4 years back

 My current go to music

Kiana Lede - Get In The Way / Shame / Show Love

You know whats the funniest thing about my life? I am always late. Late in realizing and late in digesting feelings. I always have like a setback, always realizing things a little too late but reacting at feelings/situations way too early. I am an emotional furrball, not a secret anyways. I see myself like a durian, hahahahaha busuk tapi sedap. I mean physically, hard and tough outside but really just all mushy mushy inside. Yep. 

I am bad tempered, senang nak marah, senang nak triggered. But I easily feel bad about what I said/did. I also feel like, my growing years getting closer to my dad (because of times i studied in Setiu, Besut) somewhat trained me to be precise, to be prepared; try to foresee whats ahead, be quick. I rasa its developed me in a way, when Im with D, I tend to expect same thing.  I expect that he would be as the same, as other people that I am used to, in my bubble. But you know what, being with D, for four years, made me realize how there is more to everything; always going to have two sides for everything. 

I thank God, for blessing me with someone who is so loving and patient. Haritu me and D, went out to run some errands, he's like a lost puppy. Even when I am tired, when I am emotional, he doesnt mind what I am, he just wants to be by my side. I feel happy, he is him. A devoted and graceful man, who wants to be there for me. Initially, I would have never thought that I could be romatically involved with him. He was in the contrary to what I like; physically, emotionally and spiritually. He was never part of plan, he just appeared. He's not romantic, does not plan ahead of time and is such a perfectionist in certain matters; but he's one sincere man. As annoying and talkative as he can be, I know one thing, he's annoyingly perfect for me. He is my bestfriend, my rock.

What I am trying to share is that, if you asked me 4 years ago where I would be. I would definitely say "not in this position". I have came along way and I will be honest, a break up does change you & will entirely change your perspective in life. Putting this out here, because I believe, its important to acknowledge the state you are in, the pain and anger, the embarrassment and thoughts your flood in. In that moment of time, youre just denial of everything because you just wanna let time fly and get it over with. But honey, if I could go back to the young me, I would remind her that its fine, just feel one thing at a time. But I get it, a break up is your own battle that you have to fight. Not that battle of getting back with your ex, but that battle to rebuild yourself up again. 

Feel, embrace & rejoice. 

Oh and talking about this all, is not a matter of moving on, I think its more of a matter of healing. At one point of time, its not money, its not friends, its not anything, you just want to feel again. 

But here I am, ever so alive and ever so content. Syukur. In the time I was confuse with my own self, I was accompanied by this silly guy who just appeared from thin air. So now, I still get confuse about things and make stupid rash decisions, but well atleast now, I have D to make the stupid rash decisions together. 

xx,