Possibly the truth

"The pain we encounter comes from the illusion that some moments can be held onto. "

I have problems of not letting go of the past, and truthfully. Its haunting me, I honestly feel like im so moving forward, so done and dusted but you know what? I feel stuck on most days, rasa kosong. Past, you just gotta stay away. Take your memories from me, erase em all, just be gone. I dont want not even bits of residue of it. I am getting nightmares from my past mistakes.

WHAT IS IT ABOUT MEMORIES?

Do they remind me of my failures?
My heartbreaks maybe?
The things I could have done right?
Maybe things I could have done differently?

Im so sorry, I was a jar of pain in the ass. I was terribly constant in being so hard to handle, so detrimental. I have issues, I only know now, the magnitude of the mess I am. Im sorry I couldnt word out, the issues I had. Chaotic.

Some days, I feel like I have so much in my chest. I just feel like im sinking in. My heart hurts, mostly, because I let go, of something I could have let go in more gentle manner. I am sorry. It went on and on, even more with pervasive ideas.

I was fragile and making my surrounding even more fragile because of the way I was. I am sorry. I was so immensely scared, constantly pushing people away.. I pushed so hard, I blame them for questioning myself was I not worth the fight? When, I was so frequent in throwing words. Push me away, stop loving me, go away!

Send help, so I can root me to my loving self. Remind me that all was not lost. These stalled emotional state isnt fair to anyone, myself included.

Gently now, say it with me.
Goodbye.