twenty four

Going for things that arent your passion is truly energy-draining.You try to see half bottle full, rather than half bottle empty...but it aint easy. To be frank, i never knew what i wanted to be since i was a child. I did love cooking, tho thru numerous attempts of perfecting a masterpiece, ive seem to understand that food is very much subjective and lies completely on a person's preferences. Not to mention, how tiring standing up for eight hours can be, which again i emphasize if its your passion, then standing eight hours will feel like 8 minutes.

Passion, a significantly important element in life.

I was nineteen. I will make up all my wrongdoings, my parents did not raise me to be a failure. However my SPM results were heartbreaking. It was time to move on and change myself. Time to be smart, time to work twice thrice harder. Its time to do my best. My diploma times, were great. I did perform my all, alhamdulilah I could say with my diploma result, I could get in UiTM or any Uni in Malaysia. My muet was also enough for me to apply anywhere.

I was twenty, oh what an age. Excited of life, of love, of building a life with a total stranger, of working in an office. Oh how i wanted to grow up faster, to experience "adulthood". I rushed and embraced day thru day, feeling excited of what life throws to me. I was ready, mentally and physically, literally as if my motto was "hit me with your best shot"...then i had my first taste of working in an office during my internship, Oh I was happy. Eager to experience more and more. To one point in time, I was so happy that I didnt feel tired at all. Any challenges, I was up to excel it. Im going to give my all to my boss, Im going to give what they've trusted me to do. I submitted Visa Entries for 3 different countries each in different embassies of course, in a day, from different parts of kl to other parts of kl. I was damn exuberant. I wont go back to the office, with bad outcomes. I will excel and come back with good results in my hands.

I was twenty two. Assigned to go to Spain, Morocco and Portugal as a tour leader. Literally the happiest person, I said yes in a split of second. However, I did act all natural when I was offered, like how usually people get nervous, I didnt wanna sound cocky. I was humbled by my surroundings, who all of the workers there, have traveled to at least five countries. I did not have room in my head, to think about safety or how lonely I would be sleeping alone at night, having so much responsibilities on my shoulder. I will lead, I will do good. My tasks will be done, fully to perfection..all my will and energy for my task. There was a time, I had to que to get in Alhambra, the ground agent told me that I would need all the luck in the world, to get the entrance ticket. I lined up, from 4.30am to 8am, which meant I had to leave my group behind at the hotel, so I did & managed to get the ticket. I remember how cold the air was that morning, I was breathing calmly. This can be done. I remembered I was so happy seeing my group wondering around in Alhambra. Yes, All went well.

Now im twenty four. I am confused as fuck. My spirits? Drained. Where did all the passionate, enthusiastic side, eager and excited sides of me go. I am a student, doing my degree in Tourism Management and I have lost something I look forward for. I dont feel like I have much to look forward to, I mean what is it that im passionate about? Life? Oh how I get scared of what the future holds for me. Im sad that parents are growing older and older each day, Im scared If I wont excel this time. My results are pretty much mediocre this time around.

But im twenty four, I should be showing good examples. I should have known better, I should have been somewhere, eager to face life again.

But im twenty four, and just really tired.